This isn’t really about Scarlett O’Hara, though Gone With the Wind is a book I continue to love. It’s about the God phrases we use to make us feel better in uncomfortable situations. It’s about wondering how we deal with pain.
So what are these phrases? you’re wondering. I’m glad you asked.
#1. “God won’t give me anything I can’t handle.” On what basis? Would the priests and nuns who were murdered during Stalin’s regime say that? Would those who were, even worse, continually tortured until they broke, only to repent and be broken again the next day make that declaration? Or consider Anne Frank, Elie Wiesel. Jesus, for that matter. I guess the question would be what does it mean to handle the situation? We could say He won’t give you something you can’t live through, but then many of those listed above are ones who didn’t live through it. Maybe it’s that they made it through without totally abandoning their faith….?
#2. “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” Comforting, but sometimes, maybe, He just closes a door and says, “That’s not what’s gonna happen. Deal with it.” (Gently, of course. I’m not making God out to be a sarcastic meanie.) Possibly the door-window phrase is just a way to think positively and is akin to Ma Ingalls — “There’s no large loss without some small gain.” To me the “closed door – open window” phrase implies God will give you what you wanted, just by other means than you expected. And I don’t see that it works that way…at least not all the time. However, there may be something of greater value, such as a life lesson in what direction not to go. Or more compassion for others.
#3. When someone dies —a. “A special angel just got his/her wings.” Or another —(haven’t heard this in a long time) b. “God just needed another soprano in His choir.” As to the former, I know that Jesus is quoted as saying (Matthew chapter 22) that His believers will be “like the angels”, but that was to straighten some people out when they tried to trick him about the existence of Heaven. Jesus didn’t fall for that bs, and He stated there won’t be marriage in Heaven just as angels don’t marry. He did not say his believers would become angels. As to the latter, I really am not excited about thinking that God, who is quoted as telling us to love each other and think of each other as more important than ourselves, would decide He wants another choir member and take away someone’s mother/father/spouse/child/etc. Noooooo not going there.
Life sucks quite often. We don’t get what we want, and we do get exactly what we didn’t want. Why do we have to make up phrases to feel better about it?
There was a time when someone sent a painful letter to me (it was probably as painful to them to send it as it was to me to receive it), and it hurt. It hurt a lot because it was an end to a relationship I valued and had invested in. It hurt because there was not a way to restore it while staying true to myself and the direction I needed to head. It was a first for me that rather than find a way mentally to make it feel better —“Well, they’ll get what they deserve” or “That’s not very Christian of them” or “They’ll see I’m right”— I sat down in a corner of my little apartment and just let it hurt. I cried, and I ached, and I remembered, and maybe cried more. But I didn’t accuse them or justify myself. I was tempted, but I sent it away. I considered that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line, and that it would be best to stay with the pain and walk through.
And it worked. I continued to feel the sadness, but staying with it and letting the ache live there and do its work helped me become more healthy and set me up for better patterns of coping with pain.
Lots of times we want to give God excuses for the things that hurt. As God is my Witness, sometimes things just hurt. And it’s okay to let them.
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