“Do nothing for people that they can and should do for themselves.”
Surprise — It’s not a Jordan Peterson quote! Credit goes to Fr. Thomas Hopko, may his memory be eternal.
This adage (one of Fr. Hopko’s 50 Maxims) changed my life, in both pleasant and unpleasant ways. I don’t know what mixture of my upbringing, my natural “in-scape”, and the half-orphaning that happened when I was 11 contributed to my tendencies, but I’ve always felt it incumbent upon me to do all that I could do about any situation. No matter if someone else said, “I’ll take care of that” about a chore or job, if I could get it done, I would either volunteer or just do it before he/she got to it. I thought it was what a responsible, good person did.
And in such a state of mind, I entered my first marriage.
I don’t blame this problematic philosophy and burden on my first husband. I think he was certainly happy for me to take on things that might have been his to do because who wouldn’t be? He didn’t ask for that. Of course, that carried right on to trying to make life as easy as possible for our children too. I think my belief on the inside was something akin to helping them choose the best by making that decision less cumbersome on them. Somehow I skipped over the knowledge that we humans usually don’t appreciate what we don’t work for. Financially that wasn’t something we could do — they had to work for what they wanted. But in other ways, I gave ready-made answers that I thought at the time were helpful. They were not.
So, fast forward to the time I saw the quote above and said to myself “Ohhhhh. I have some growing up to do.”
The complication is that when you change your MO, when you have a paradigm shift, it affects all others in your inner circle. If the others experience that shift, seeing it as positive and can adjust, all is well, even better than before. If they experience it and see it as negative for themselves and can’t or won’t adjust, that’s where the unpleasantness comes in.
Just this morning, my current husband left a restaurant take-out box on the counter as he went to his car to go to work, and said, “I’ll put that in the garbage outside later.” It was empty, and there was no attraction for little creatures, so no problem. However, I had to resist the urge to take it out myself……because I could. This also happens with removing the kitchen trash. I make myself wait and just keep piling it up …. because obviously men see the timing of the need to take it out differently than women.
The underlying principle here is crucial. In the name of making things easier and better for others, I was holding them back, preventing them from being the adults they are meant to be. Codependency can look like such a sweet way to be, but in fact it is a way to control things. It’s aggressive and does harm to all.
The way forward had a bit of pain in it, as you know either because you’re already familiar with my story, or because you can read between the lines and surmise. But after the realization, staying the same was not an option. I had to move forward and deal with the consequences. AND let others do the same, finally (finally!) treating them like the adults they are.
Just as an alcoholic in treatment never stops saying he/she is “in recovery”, I keep before me that I am a recovering codependent. The temptation and first nature to “fix” are always present, and sometimes I give in. I’m thankful that when I do, I usually know it pretty quickly (or sometimes it’s pointed out to me by those close to me), and I can mend my ways and commit once again to “do nothing for people that they can and should do for themselves.”
Easy enough to see, this is a dovetail to “take care of yourself like someone you have responsibility for helping” from the previous post and a perfect example of how taking care of yourself also means that you take more rightful care of others.
The full set of Fr. Hopko’s maxims can be seen at
https://orthodoxtacoma.com/55maxims
They are meant specifically for Christian life, but anyone will find gems in here, regardless of religious affiliation.
And if this happens to be a mirror for you, take heart. The first step is realizing the need to grow, and I assure you that you are braver and more capable of change than you think you are.
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